Please Don't Say Forever

One year ago, we’re an hour north of San Francisco overlooking the waters of Stinson beach. The soon-to-set sun is covering us with a warm glow as we are joined nearby by our families, a flock of unromantic birds, and a couple taking instagram photos who are completely unaware they are in the way. After a whole day of hand-written letters and surprise visits from family and friends, we had reached the final stop on what we call The Proposal Tour. At this moment, I’m about to ask Savyon if she will marry me - hopefully as a technicality. But before I do, I don’t tell her that I will love her forever, or that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with her, or really any of the common things people say when they get engaged. I actually specifically tell her that I cannot promise any of these things. I cannot promise what our future will look like together, nor how long. What I do promise is love and respect, and appreciation for our relationship, and that I cannot imagine doing life without her.

Then I asked! She said yes. No blindsides here. Woo.

Since then, we have been overwhelmed with love, well-wishes, and support from family and friends and acquaintances and strangers who watched us get engaged (not the ones taking instagram photos, they remained oblivious). All of these wishes have been beautiful, and touching - we really have felt so much support and love. That said, many have included phrases similar to “so happy you found your forever,” or “you found the one.” Which always feels a bit tough. Though well intentioned, when it comes to talking about our marriage, we find that avoiding absolute words like these brings more intentionality into what our relationship is on a day to day basis and reduces stigma around divorce.

I understand why society has created an aura of forever around marriage. In media, weddings are often portrayed as being whimsical, magical, full of unconditional love. Until they’re not. I recognize that many people when they get married are aware of the difficulties of relationships, but when it comes to discussing the wedding itself, rose-tinted goggles come on, and it becomes the happiest day of your life even before it happens. Which may be true! I see it, I recognize it, and I struggle with the ramifications of needing it to be so. In my opinion, the use of the word “forever” when it comes to a marriage, consciously or subconsciously, prioritizes length of a relationship over strength. And it implies failure if forever is not achieved (and, spoiler alert, one way or another, forever is never achieved). Wow, even reading that back to myself, it feels a little harsh.

We moved across the country with our plants, so we're definitely committed.

In the years before Savyon and I got engaged, we had many conversations around marriage. We talked about the if, the when, and the why. Maybe it’s because her parents are divorced, almost none of her friends are married, or because she grew up in the Bay Area, but one of the first hurdles we came to was that I believed marriage was the baseline. To me, it was a step in the process that was a given. It was assumed. In my mind, commitment led to marriage. Savyon, however, didn’t hold the same belief. She wasn’t against marriage, but she needed more of the why to be sold on that idea. Let me tell you, if you remove religion and you remove legal benefits from the picture, it becomes far more difficult to justify a marriage in modern times than you’d think. I’m not saying there isn’t a reason to get married, because we do have reasons that we feel strongly about, but when I was first given the questions of “why do we need to get married? Why specifically do we want to get married? Can’t we just spend our lives committed to each other?” Answering was far more difficult than I imagined it would be.

At first, after bumbling on the “it’s what we do and what we’ve done for generations” track for a while, Savyon simply responded “that isn’t a good enough reason for me.” And she was right. Savyon and I spend so much of our lives thinking intentionally about the things we do, and not doing them simply because it is what society has told us to. Marriage being the assumed eternal fairytale at the end of the movie can’t be the reason we get married. So before we decided to get married, there were a few things that we needed to process and come to an agreement on.

They were:

1. Divorce isn’t a dirty word.

2. We can and will change in life, and our needs can and will change. Sometimes that is out of our control.

3. We want our marriage to be one of choice, from start to finish.

4. If, one day, we decide to separate, it in no way negates the love we feel for each other now. It in no way represents a failure. It in no way means we made a wrong decision.

I recognize that this all begs the question of why get married at all, and especially why get married now. For that, I shall leave you in suspense for another blog or a conversation over some food.

Rather, I’d like to redirect us. If there is a part of you that subconsciously thinks divorce is bad, or is a sign of failure, that is society’s fault. I want to share with you what our thinking is.

Our commitment isn’t about time, it is about our respect and love, our joint vision for our lives. It is saying that we want to be together, and we will work on our relationship, and prioritize it. We will go through all the challenges it gives us. That said, we recognize that a core part of our relationship is based on both of us wanting both of us to be happy for the rest of both of our lives. If at some point, the hindrance to our happiness is the relationship, part of that commitment to each other is to consider no longer being together, rather than staying together unhappily simply because a successful marriage is framed as forever.

We’ve spent a long time exploring the ramifications of marriage and commitment, and where it has come from, and how it’s rooted in the biological implications of reproduction, pregnancy, and stability. I’ve seen a lot of language around how marriage is a commitment, and the people who have been married 50+ years didn’t give up simply because it got hard. They worked through things. They understood the commitment they were making. But in modern society, we should be able to exist in a way where simply reframing marriage doesn't mean our partners walk out the second life gets hard. Or, at least, that’s how we view it. We are so deeply committed to each other and each other’s happiness. We love couple’s therapy. We love working through our struggles. And again, our commitment is not one of time. I would rather us both live a happy 120 years not together than live a 120 years together but not happy.

I want to be clear that not being able to work through difficulties doesn't mean you've failed, it just means you're different people than when you started, or your priorities have changed, or something else came into the picture that shifted what used to be.

The equating of forever and success feeds into the idea that the right relationship will not only provide absolute happiness, but that happiness will be sustained forever. I, however, want Savyon to want to be with me because she’s actively choosing to be with me. I don’t want our relationship to exist simply as the default. I also don't want to give up this amazing relationship I have now in search for another one simply because I'm not 100% sure Savyon and I are going to last until I'm ninety. (To be frank, I'm not even sure I'm going to last until I'm ninety) Of course I want Savyon to fight for me when things get hard, and part of my commitment is trusting that she will try as much as she can. And, if she can’t anymore, and she determines she’d be happier not in the relationship, then that is what I want for her, and that is what I’m committed to. In that scenario, not only have we not failed, but I would argue that we've succeeded.

Oftentimes, Savyon and I will ask each other ‘Do you still love me?’ It isn’t from a place of being insecure. Sometimes it’s because reassurance feels nice. Oftentimes, it’s simply because we want to make sure this life, this relationship, and soon, this marriage is something we both continue to want.

We would love to be together forever - in whatever way that is possible. Give us the end of the notebook style love. It is all either of us can imagine or dream of. And we have so much of life left to live. Yet, if 45 year old Shai and Savyon no longer live their happiest lives as partners, why does living the next 40 years happily not together negate the happiness we have now?

Our wedding is soon. We cannot wait to be surrounded by friends and family and community. And what I would love to be celebrated for is that I found a person that gives me support, and love. That I found comfort, challenge, and romance. That I found someone makes me really happy. That I found a person who, right now, makes me a better person. I’d rather celebrate those amazing feelings than my forever.