Giving Someone Space to Change

I was just getting back from a road trip driving from Atlanta to SF (with some fun stops along the way). I hadn’t even unzipped my suitcase when I started showing Savyon all of the goodies I was bringing back. A few nice bottles of bourbon from Houston. Some locally made candles from Austin. And a super cute little Joshua Tree planting kit that I bought for a friend who likes cacti.

Me with a Joshua Tree

As I was putting it on the table, before Savyon even had time to breathe, I interjected “It was only a few dollars and I think our friend would really like it and I know it seems like a waste of money but it was only- “ Savyon cut me off, “I think it’s a really cute gift.”

Me: “Wait, you do?” simultaneously surprised and confused.

Savyon: “Yeah. It’s thoughtful.”

Me: “It really wasn’t that much money, don’t worry.”

Savyon: “I’m not worried about it.” And then she walked away, completely unbothered. For some reason, though, I was bothered.

To add some context, we have had some challenges regarding money. I mean, who hasn’t. Every person has their own complicated relationship with money, it makes sense when you mix people together that the intersection of complications becomes even greater. In our particular case, Savyon and I spend differently. I’ll save the nitty gritty of our differences for another blog or for a dinner party (we love airing out our laundry with friends over food), but for the last three years, she’s often commented when I spent money on something she didn’t deem worthwhile. And for the last three years, I’ve asked her not to.

Fast forward, and here I was, finally getting what I wanted! She didn’t scold me for spending money! Woot woot. And yet, something felt off. I wasn’t thankful, or appreciative. There was no feeling of calm, happiness, or added love flowing between us. In a moment I had been longing for, all I could really feel was disappointment. Maybe it’s because in preparation for what I thought was an inevitable argument about how I spent money on a useless knick knack, I had built up an entire defense. I was ready to disarm both her arguments and her counterarguments to my counterarguments. My mind had used everything I learned about game theory to prepare for every possible scenario, ready, if all else failed, to remind her that she promised she’d try not to comment on every purchase I made. Except, there was one scenario I hadn’t planned for. The one where we didn’t argue at all.

So this was Savyon giving me exactly what I wanted. But, again, I didn’t feel comfortable with it. I needed to delve deeper. Was this her liking my purchase (in which case, negating her giving me what I asked for) or was this her granting me her trust to spend as I see fit? Was it a trick or a trap? I had to know more, so I walked over to Savyon and inquired further. Her response? “I see why you would buy it. I wouldn’t have, but I support your desire to. You asked me to give you space to spend your money, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do the last few months” Last few months? No way it had been that long. We basically just argued that morning about spending… I think. I guess we didn’t. Upon reflection, I realized I argued with myself, inputting all the things I assumed she would say. I was so busy playing out previous arguments that we had, and assuming Savyon hadn’t changed, I ignored all of the signs. Three months ago, I asked Savyon to change, and I wasn’t prepared for what to do when she actually listened.

At some point, it can become hard to believe in change. We’ve all been in situations where someone has told us they would try harder, only to try for two weeks and then fully regress to where they started. But we’ve also all been in scenarios where we’re trying to change a habit - whether it be related to exercise, caffeine consumption, sleep, communication, etc - where slip ups occur.

Ok, I know this doesn't say "Change isn't Linear," but same thing

If you google it, there are like a thousand graphics trying to highlight the point that change is not linear. And even though I am aware of that, for me, internalizing that idea has been one of the most difficult parts. It’s recognizing that if for three months, my friend (who is chronically late) makes an effort to show up on time, and then is late one evening, it shouldn’t diminish all of the work this friend has done. Actual growth and change takes time.

I also think part of it is that you can’t expect someone to change. It’s great when they do, and I believe it’s always worth asking someone for the change you want to see, but to accept a version of someone that would only exist if they change, means you haven’t actually accepted who they are. I’ve seen many relationships where a person’s commitment feels tied to the hopes their partner will change. And when it’s been long enough, and they realize that person may never change in that way, they start questioning their relationship. As the saying goes, “if a person shows you who they are, listen to them.”

Me, Abroad.

It reminds me of a person in college I was (somewhat) interested in dating. They felt so strongly that they wanted to live abroad, and I felt so strongly that I didn’t, so I didn’t pursue anything. To me, we weren’t compatible. As it turns out, they decided later on they didn’t want to live abroad and I would love to. But I stand by the fact that entering into a relationship with that person would have been doing so under the expectation I could change them. Which shouldn’t be the goal (in my opinion). All that said, it doesn’t mean there aren’t certain moments I’m hopeful of change in my relationship.

We’ve only been together for four years, and already I can understand the baggage that comes along with time. Often, in my life, I have held onto things as a means of protecting myself. We hold expectations of people in order to help ourselves manage disappointment. This happens with partners, with friends, and with family. There are just some people that I don’t make certain types of plans with because I can’t rely on them showing up. And regardless of who it is, if I actually want change, I need to get off my high horse and do the work it takes to not only recognize and accept the change when it is happening, but also accept that the path of change is messy, and nonlinear.

Again, I’m not trying to say that you can’t have expectations, or notice patterns. Giving someone room to change doesn’t mean you aren’t holding them accountable for what they’ve done in the past (for example, allowing change does not mean you need to forgive or forget). I strongly believe that over time, baggage between people can grow. There are ways to make active efforts to reduce the baggage, to process it, communicate about it, and let some of it go. And sometimes, no matter what you do, that baggage remains insurmountable. Which is normal! It’s all normal! When we’re asking a person to change, though, we need to reflect on what we’re actually looking for. Because if you’re at a point where you can no longer give someone the space to change, asking someone to change is no longer asking them to change - it simply becomes your way of resurfacing all the times they didn’t. Which isn’t your fault. If a person has wronged you many times, it makes sense why you wouldn’t be able to accept a new version of them. It’s just important to recognize being in that place.

Regardless of how you look at it, change is hard. I’ve written a whole other blog about it. It is hard as a person trying to change, as a person asking for change, and as a person hoping for change you may never see. And in moments of asking others for change, we always have to look at what our role is, because like the tango, change in a relationship isn’t a one person activity.