Week 9 - Drove Across the Country for a Thunderstorm

As I mentioned in my previous post, being in my apartment was making me a bit crazy so I decided it was time to return to Atlanta and spend some time with my family / in their house with a yard, a screened in porch, 3 dishwashers, air conditioning, a car, and other simple pleasures of (not really) suburbia. 2 months ago when everyone fled big cities to return to their families that, realistically, also live in cities, I felt like I didn’t need to. For some reason, I feel like there was a sort of universal hall pass in those 2 weeks where people could avoid social critique if they were traveling to family. But, now, that window is closed and I couldn’t shake the feeling that people would overly judge me for relocating so late.

Guided by some AJR lyrics: “I’m weak, and what’s wrong with that?” I decided to go to Atlanta, but in the safest way possible. That last thing I wanted was to bring COVID to my family and kill my parents. Really because if I did, they would never let me live it down - though they’d already be dead so maybe it’s a non-factor. (Is it bad to hope that, if my family gets it, it is someone else’s fault? )

Since planes are COVID breeding grounds, I decided that driving would be safer. I could camp to avoid sharing saturated air with random strangers and only interact at gas stations through gloves and glasses fogged up by a face mask that I still don’t really know how to put on properly. Also, if I drove, my parents agreed to treat me less like a hostage (aka, locking me in the basement for two weeks and putting food at the door twice a day) and more like an unwanted guest, which is basically how they treated me my entire childhood anyway. Jokes. They were lovely. I’m just a middle child.

Regardless, driving alone seemed like a bad idea, so I decided to bring Savyon with me. She thinks it’s because I wanted to bring her to Atlanta to spend time with my family, but actually I just wanted a second driver. Don’t tell her that. While driving straight would take about 37 hours, due to campsite locations, we settled on a 5 day, 41-hour drive.

When I told my friends, people’s first thought was my hygiene. “You’re not going to shower for 5 days?” as if I wasn’t already doing that. I still chose to pretend: “oh, I know, it’s gonna be so tough. But you gotta do what you gotta do.”

Now, here are two heads up:

1. if you’re going to read the rest of this post and judge us for driving to Atlanta during COVID, allow me to redirect you to a wonderful mash-up of scenes from Friends because I feel like going to the bathroom outside for 4 days in a row should get me a little credit.

2. I know I always say this blog is not about food, but this post is actually not about food. I had this grand idea that I would take pictures of food on the trip and write a satirical blog post about the process of me opening a can of tuna...but since all I ate were thawed morningstar veggie patties and wheat thins, there wasn’t much content.

Anyway, when I got to Savyon’s house Saturday night before the trip, I walked into the living room and it was FULL of stuff. Like, we were supposed to be renting a sedan and they forced us into an SUV, but maybe we should have gotten a mini u-haul because she was packing two full-size suitcases, two folding chairs, a tent, an air mattress, a massive box of food, two cooler bags of other food, a backpack, gallons and gallons of water, three thermoses, a yoga mat, two sleeping bags, a watercolor set, two weights, multiple balls of yarn, and other random stuff I still can’t identify. She also asked if she should bring her hiking boots. Step 1 was getting her to pack less.

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Day 54: Sunday, May 3rd - Arizona

Our plan was to leave by 6 am and we were on the road by 6:04 - only late because we wanted to use the bathroom one last time. Then, we were on the road to Sedona.

As is the best way to start any good road trip, we set ground rules. The person driving gets final say over the sound machine. I lean towards music, preparing a playlist with 37 hours of music, with songs ranging from Accidentally in Love to I See Fire to the new Jeremy Zucker record. Thankfully, as described by Savyon herself, “the only thing [she is] chill about is music,” except for country music. Savyon and Carrie Underwood have some major beef going on.

Savyon, however, likes podcasts. Look, I like the idea of podcasts, it’s like the treadmill for books, sort of forcing you to keep a good pace when you prob would have stopped if on your own. But listening to someone speak just doesn’t do it for me. I’m not like a terrible listener or anything, but without seeing someone speak, sounds legit go in one ear and out the other. One time I tried to listen to a podcast while driving, and the next thing I knew, I had completely stopped listening to the speaker and focused on the fact that in tv shows, all it takes is one hit over the head and a character gets knocked out for 3 hours and yet is still able to wake up without any brain damage, all because the word concussion was mentioned. Then, when I try to return to the podcast, I become frustrated about my terrible attention span, which then causes me to think back to that time in college where, in one of my Jewish studies classes, the teacher and other 7 students got into a long conversation about the pros and cons of Shai on medication, of which, I ignored most of as I was thinking about what theme my next dinner should be. When Savyon drove, she could listen to whatever her heart desired, but I would not actively choose a podcast over music or the phone.

The thing about long road trips is everyone knows you’re accessible. As my friend Randy said, “You guys have nothing else to do, so you can talk to me.” Randy actually gave us a little trivia over the phone: which four capital cities start with the same letter as their state, and which four capital cities are named after a president. Here were my biggest takeaways from that game:

• I really have no idea what the capital cities are. I was like, “Well the first is easy. Newark, New Jersey. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Etc.” Confidently listing five capitals that weren’t capitals.

• I really have no idea who the presidents are. Up until a year ago, I thought Alexander Hamilton was a president, and I only realized he wasn’t when I Wikipedia-ed him right before I saw Hamilton (the show. Duh.). I was genuinely shocked when I got to the end of his bio and he hadn’t become president.

Anyway, it’s a fun trivia question. I’ll tell you the answers if you want, though you can easily just google it since you clearly have internet.

Now, driving through California and Arizona was quite beautiful. We saw hills and hills and hills and hills, and more beautiful hills. I legitimately felt like my friend Ilana from college when we drove to Philly one fall and she spent the entire 2 hours taking snapchats of the trees going “ooooooh, such beautiful trees” as if all the pictures didn’t look exactly the same.

At this point, we were really thankful to have gotten the SUV. It drove nicely, had enough room for all of

Savyon’s stuff, and I didn’t feel like I was hunching over the wheel for 41 hours. The only issue was that the car had a function to alert you when it thinks you’re dozing off with a loud beep and picture of coffee. For some reason, this car did not like Savyon’s driving. She would be driving perfectly straight for twenty minutes, and somehow the car would tell her to consider taking a break...and then continue to remind her every fifteen minutes until I took over. I, however, only received the sign twice. We really aren’t sure what tipped it off - I legit tried to swerve and it wouldn’t go off but she would blink and all of a sudden the car decided she needed a break. Savyon’s theory is that the car is sexist and could tell when the seat was moved up close or pushed back. @Hyundai, we reached out to your rep and are waiting for a comment.

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Day 54: Monday, May 4th - Still Arizona

We decided to take a day off in Arizona and go on a hike. After spending the morning trying to get on a staff meeting from the middle of nowhere, we went for a wonderful long hike in the middle of the desert. Prime comment of the day: I was nervous about our car driving on the dirt road to the hiking site as it was pretty rocky and Savyon goes “This car is called a Hyundai Tucson, it is literally built to drive in Arizona.” Touche Savyon, touche.

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Day 55: Tuesday, May 5th - New Mexico

Tuesday driving was 8 hours to the middle of nowhere New Mexico. Let me tell you, it was quite difficult to find a place to camp out as most campsites were closed. After an extensive search, we found out Upper Bonito Lake Dispersed Campsite was open.

But, before leaving Arizona, we stopped on the side of the road to jump around in a little stream. And by jump around, I mean really just stand on little rocks in the middle of the stream because it was so cold I would legit have lost multiple toes if I stayed in the water any longer.

Just like Arizona, New Mexico was quite beautiful. But, as we were about 3 ½ hours to the campsite, we lost cell phone service. But no worries, we obviously would get service back soon. 30 minutes later, still no service. 15 minutes after that, still no service and only 100 miles left in our tank. We’re fine. We’ll manage. 30 minutes later, still no service, absolutely no civilization in sight, and 60 miles to empty. Laugh out loud. I casually turned to Savyon:

“So...what happens if the car brea-.”

“Do not even say it. It’s not funny.”

Thankfully, with 20 miles left on our tank, we found a gas station! Still no cell phone service, but we take the small wins.

Ever since I contemplated the danger of a flat tire in the middle of New Mexico , I have really related to those Verizon commercials of people driving in the middle of nowhere. Ok, TBH, I haven’t watched tv with commercials in years, but if I were to watch tv and that Verizon commercial were to show up, I’d prob be pretty tempted to switch to Verizon. Although, to be fair, my parents still pay for my cell phone plan (albeit on Cricket. Ever heard of it? Didn’t think so), so it isn’t up to me. Even if my parents handed me a paper cup and string and called it my cell phone plan, I’d accept it because I really just don’t want to pay phone bills.

Now, right as we pulled up to the Bonito Lake entrance, Savyon had a quick second of service and texted her mom, “If you don’t hear from us, it is because we have no service, not because we’re dead.” I mean, we could have been dead. Spoiler alert: we weren’t.

Anyway, at the entrance was a sign that said “Bonito Lake: Closed.” Well, that’s great. Good thing we had reliable service to try to find another open campsite. We just drove in anyway, passing by Bonito “lake” which looked like a scene from Wall-E with a skeleton that you could somewhat tell used to be a lake, but at this point, was just an empty crater with a few little machines attached to long tubes, trying to get out every last bit of moisture from the ground like Jews making Latkes. 15 minutes later, we pulled up to a creek.

When I say pulled up to a creek, I don’t mean like there was a cute creek next to the path as a nice roadside attraction, I mean the rest of the road was under water, and as much as I would have liked to believe that if we drove straight we could have found ourselves underground in the lost city of Atlantis, I somehow don’t think that Atlantis would be in the middle of New Mexico. I mean, more likely New Mexico than, like, Alabama, but still. So, we turned around, and decided to find another way. Thankfully there was another path that we could take. After 5 minutes on this path, however, we pulled up to a horse.

Now, when I say pulled up to a horse, I don’t mean there was a nice little farm on the side of the road and we rolled down the window as we drove by, waved to the horses, and engaged in some sweet pleasantries similar to Harry Potter and Buckbeak. I mean, there was a full-sized equine on the dirt road we needed to drive on, just casually eating some grass. Based on my experience with the race car games at the arcade, we were supposed to just floor it and run through the horse. But, for some reason, that didn’t seem like the right call here, so Savyon just rolled by it, snail speed, inch by inch. Thankfully, the only time it looked up was when we ran over its foot with the back tire of the car, but at that point, we were already past it so it wasn’t our problem. Jokes. We didn’t run over it, just bumped it slightly.

Thankfully we found a campsite because otherwise we hit the horse for no reason. After setting up camp near a creek, I went for a walk to explore, and Savyon went to go read, or watercolor, or stare at plants. I’m honestly not sure what she was doing when I left, but, by the time I came back, she was gone. I called her name a few times and heard nothing. So, instead of trying to find her, I went straight to the car, pulled out my iPad, and started watching some trashy Netflix TV I had already downloaded. Unfortunately, I had barely been introduced to Pope and JJ of Outer Banks fame before she came back from the woods.

“Where were you?”

“I went to the bathroom.”

“Why so far away?”

“You’re not supposed to go to the bathroom within a hundred yards of running water.”

“Right right. Of course. One of the cardinal rules of camping.” I said as I realized I definitely went to the bathroom in the stream that morning. Oh well.

Regardless, she informed me that, on her walk, she saw a bear box. Which, to my surprise, was not related to Bird Box, the extremely widely viewed, and utterly average Netflix drama with Sandra Bullock where people see something that forces them to commit suicide in ways so graphic you think you’re watching Final Destination. I was informed that the Bear Box was for storing food at night so the bears wouldn’t come into our camping area.

“Why don’t we just leave the food in the car?”

*She pauses, and looks at me*

“Because the bears can still - “

“Because the bears can still smell it in the car. Yes yes. I was just testing you.”

She said it was only one night, though, so we would probably be fine. Great. No big deal. Bears don’t actually exist, they’re just a figment of our imagination, like Barney, or Tom Brady now playing on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

During dinner, which was just Trader Joe’s salads and some stale 3-day old sourdough dipped in TJ’s Eggplant dip, I’d casually ask a question every few minutes:

“So what are the odds that a bear does come?”

“Are bears more afraid of us than we are of them?”

“Hypothetically, if a bear did come, should we move our tent farther away from it so it doesn’t get us as well?”

After the fifth question, Savyon turned to me and asked if I wanted to move our food to the Bear Box. “Nope. I’m good. Was just asking. No worries.”

But, as we were in the tent, about to go to sleep, I turned to her and asked:

“Are you sure we shouldn’t move the food to the Bear Box?” She looked at me, knowing I didn’t want to make us do extra work but also knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if there was a chance a bear (that doesn’t exist) would come near our campsite, and said, “Okay, come on. Let’s go.” So, we got out of the tent, got in the car, and drove around the corner to drop off the food in the bear box. Well, as it turns out, the Bear Box was actually just a trash can with a sticker of a bear on it. Guess we were leaving our food in the car regardless. Savyon looked at me and laughed...

But, at 2 in the morning, I was the one laughing when I got woken up to a frightened “Shai! There’s something out there!” in response to a small ruffling sound that was closer in size to a Piglet than a Winnie. I wasn’t laughing so much the second time she woke me up. Or the third. Get a grip, lady.

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Day 56: Wednesday, May 6th - Texas

After laying awake the rest of the night listening for animals, we finally decided that we had survived the impending bear attack and immediately jumped in the car and sped off, completely arcade race-car-ing the already-limping, and now dead horse. (Apparently, I need to clarify here that we did not actually hit a horse with our car. I really thought that it was clearly a joke, but apparently not. We did not bump it. We did not kill it. It did, however, actually exist and it was on the dirt road. Picture for proof.)

As beautiful as California, Arizona, and New Mexico were, Texas was not. Sorry to my friends from Texas, but the highways in Texas don’t really have any beautiful views of mountain tops or deserts, it just has traffic.

Thankfully, after 9 hours of driving, we made it to Dallas, to stay in Ilana’s backyard (yes, the Ilana I made fun of just a few paragraphs before. Sorry, Ilana! You’re amazing!). While our initial plan was to glamp in their backyard, they were kind enough to let us stay in their air conditioned shed.

I have to say, staying at Ilana’s felt like I was in that classic scene in a high school drama when the troubled kid hides out at the main character’s house by sneaking through the side gate and crawling into the shed, only to be discovered by the main character who pretends not to be hungry at dinner just so he can bring the food he didn’t eat to his hungry friend in the shed. Like when Shawn, from Boy Meets World, sneaks into Cory’s house and hides under his bed because he blew up a mail box. That was basically us. Except they were extremely generous, providing us with homemade food, drinks, and plumbing.

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Day 57: Thursday, May 7th - Georgia

The last day of our trip. Only 12 hours to go. I think the lack of sleep had gotten to us because we were cranky. And when I say cranky I mean like Sandy from Spongebob being woken up from hibernation cranky. And when I say “we” I really just mean Savyon, but I don’t want to sell her out so, for now, I’m saying we. Also, if you know me, you know there is nothing I like more than bothering someone who is already annoyed, so you can imagine how much she wanted to kill me by the end.

Thankfully, it was the last day. I want to say that her introduction to Atlanta was beautiful, but it was legit at the cross of gross highways in gross weather. Oh well. Bad first impression.

By 5:30 pm, we had made it home to Atlanta and Kelci survived the drive (we named the car Kelci btw). By 6:00 pm I was on a zoom call for a happy hour with some friends from high school.

By 7:00 pm we were eating dinner on the back porch in 70 degree weather.

We may have just driven 41 hours, but the fun was really only beginning.